Writing Homework Help

this is a personal statement for applying graduate school business analytics major, the first essay is wrote by me, please add something good into it to make it more quantitively. the second is the example I applied for another major.

“Personal Statement Prompt – At the Pepperdine Graziadio Business School, one of our goals is to advance responsible business practice through education that is entrepreneurial in spirit, ethical in focus, & global in orientation. Describe how your past & future professional endeavors align with this goal. In your response, be sure to discuss your career goals for the next 3-5 years, & how a degree from Pepperdine Graziadio will help you attain them. Format – double-spaced. Max Length – one page.”