Writing Homework Help

I got a grade of 70/100 on my writing and my professor gave me a chance to improve my grade but I must follow these conditions

(You have the option to revise one graded polished draft for a new grade. If you choose to revise a graded project, you must complete each of the following in order to receive the higher score for the project.

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1. Compose a cover letter to the instructor, explaining the new revisions and why you chose to make these changes in this draft.
2. Highlight the changes in the revised draft to emphasize where and what is different from the previous draft.
3. Submit the revised draft with the cover letter and the highlighted changes.)

I Uploaded my pervious draft.

And this was his comment

(I enjoyed reading your article about cyber security. You have translated and summarized really interesting findings from your scholarly article that is technical yet is clear for an audience of non-experts. One thing to consider in future writings, both academic and public, is to edit for extra words and phrases that detract from the main ideas, e.g. “thse days,” “at the end of the day,” etc. I have highlighted some in your draft. These phrases are too general to accurately communicate information and emphasize key points. There seems to be quite a bit of redundancy throughout the article, either phrases or main ideas. Budget some extra time to edit for just this. Also, in some places you refer to the source by his first name, when it would be more appropriate to refer to him by his last name. Please see the digital rubric for grade breakdown)